Western Watchins Week 27
May 23rd
If you’ve ever gone to an anime convention you’ve undoubtedly run into some Trigun fanatic wearing a floor length red leather trench coat when it’s way too hot out or dragging a huge cross on his back looking like chiropractor’s wet dream. Vash (main guy) and Wolfwood (way cooler than “main guy” other guy) sometimes joined by Meryl (cute chick) and Milly (“cute” chick) will all be there as well. Then absolutely everyone else who isn’t dressed up will still salivate to orgasm the minute you mention anything about the series as if Christ himself has come back and started hosting an ice cream social. It’s just like when Superbad came out everyone and swore to me it was the funniest movie that had ever been made and that I better just start duct taping my balls in place before I sat down to watch it lest, while laughing harder that I ever had or would again, I herniate myself severely causing them to explosively leave my body. The only energy I expended during that film was spent trying to stay awake. The let down was disappointing but not unexpected. Same feeling for different reasons with Trigun here.
Live and learn long enough and you’ll come to realize that the pack mentality covers a multitude of sins. You’ll also learn that preconceived notions are usually never a good idea to build up inside of yourself. People, places and things will inevitably fail to fill in all your hypothesized wants and needs. And Trigun is some or all of that stuff I’m sure! And it wasn’t what I wanted or needed but I’m mature enough to admit that the only person I can blame for that is every goddamn one of you who said this was amazing!
All twenty six episodes were filled with a lot less of this
And shit tons more of this than I would have liked.
This series is downright goofball at the start and while it grows darker as it nears the finish line (even featuring one of the most moving deaths I’ve ever seen, anime or otherwise) the yin and yangs never balance out proportionately. There are some outstanding moments, some ultra violence, some terrific character designs and some wonderful set pieces but all of that gets dwarfed by the preponderance of giggly fuckery that you want to like it and say it was all a moderately acceptable way to burn thirteen hours but you just…can’t…do it. Sure, at the moment you’re getting a blowjob from this babe who said she’d swallow but about thirty seconds in your dad starts banging her too all the while talking football with you. And you haaate football!
It’s that kind of promise into displeasure I’m talking about here.
Not that the series, emotional padre-foot-blow-convo that it is, isn’t without merit. There’s Wolfwood for starters:
If he looks like a bad-ass riding around from wet dream to wet dream that’s because he is! He chain smokes, breaks hearts, shoots the shit out of everything, cheats at board games and helps little children too! Paging Dr. Model, Dr. Role Fucking Model! He was the star of the show for me but waiting around for someone other that the lead protagonist is never a good spot in which to find yourself. Thankfully, besides Wolfwood, the Gung Ho Guns helped right the hell out with that too! Here’s one of them now.
I can’t remember his name at the moment but if you can never tell me because I’m having one of those pre-conceived notions that I might kick you in the nerts either for knowing some random character from Trigun or obviously liking Trigun which means you have no discernment whatsoever or I bet feelings so maybe you won’t even feel me hit you but you’ll call the cops anyway so let’s just agree to you shutting up forever about all this so we can save our boys in the blue some paperwork okay?
But like I said this guy was cool. All the Guns were except for Midvalley the Hornfreak. He just sucked. My wife almost broke our television trying to punch those smarmy good looks off of his face and now I have to go punch myself for knowing that “Midvalley the Hornfreak” was his name. Be right back!
Ahhhhh yeah that hurt! But baby I can take it and dish it! I wish Trigun had dished a bit more on the classical Western themes of brutality and vengeance. A lot of well timed non life threatening solutions to gravely life threatening problems in this series. Would it kill you to kill someone Vash? Not that being a pacifist isn’t cool but it isn’t! And not that everything I watch needs to be bathed in bloodshed but when you get wronged I need to see me someone, preferably lots of someones, getting what they’re due! You say “two wrongs don’t make a right” and “turn the other cheek” and also ”be a better person”. I say go smoke a joint hippie! Enjoy Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as you get ready to head out to an anti-gun rally! I always say “If you don’t like getting raped don’t bump into Clint Eastwood on the streets of Lago!”
Speaking of pussy look at this cat!
Adorable right? And she’s in every episode. Just like an Observer from FRINGE except not trying to kill, or I guess in that one case help, you.
So nifty priest guy, nasty team of bad guys and cute not a guy at all cat. For these three reasons Trigun is worth a gander if you have a few to spare. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t my cup of tea. 3 rounds in the cylinder. Peace and love may get you far in life but in most Westerns they won’t even get you out of the stable. Keep on smiling Vash and doing your thing. I’m gonna go put in “There Will Be Blood”.
That always makes me feel better.
Ride true ya’ll.
Haikuesday
May 21st
Western Watchins Week 26
May 16th
Wyatt Earp died on January 13, 1929 in Los Angeles California which means he never had to see Wyatt Earp. Of all the bullets he dodged perhaps this was the greatest of them all. I was not so lucky, but fearlessly reviewing any and all kinds of Westerns leaves me open to attack at times not unlike the great Jim Bowie who, out on some lonely sandbar, was repeatedly shot, stabbed and beaten while still managing to kick all kinds of ass. And now so too shall I, not with a famous knife but with my famous words.
If any movie ever deserved to be left bleeding in the alley behind a corral this is the one. And terrible as Wyatt Earp was stop and remember that it was almost Tomsbstone! Kevin Costner had been involved with that other Earp-ian flick but left over creative differences. Those differences being everyone at Tombstone wanted to film something memorable and exciting while Costner wanted to film a bowel movement. And with 191 minutes to work with that’s a lot of shit. Even if you find fault with Tombstone‘s faster and at times glossy pace you will miss it once Earp‘s monotony takes the reigns. Every detail of a man’s life, even a great man, need not make it into his biopic. The filmmakers did attempt to paint the man, his friends, his enemies and the conflicts that embroiled them all as less black and white than you’re used to and for that I can salute them but for every interesting tit there was forty five minutes of tat. Boring, boring tat.
You’d be hard pressed to see a more boring Western screenplay realized. A million monkeys with a million typewriters would never come up with this crap because they would die of boredom first. Paint drying on the wall was asked what it thought about Wyatt Earp and said “fuck my life that was boring!”
And if fighting off the boredom wasn’t enough to send you off to the liquor cabinet the casting surely will. Kevin Costner must have read somewhere that the real Wyatt Earp was an emotionless waste of a man and I firmly believe only took the role to spite everyone making the competing film. A film he tried his darnedest to quash. A film that would out gross his by a 2 to 1 margin. They say “pride goeth before the fall” but Costner’s lifeless and real-life vengeance fueled portrayal of Wyatt was less pride and more pride fucking his own mom in the ass and then turning around and giving him a Dirty Sanchez.
It’s that horrendous. Go ahead and try me, watch it and tell me I’m wrong.
For most of the rest of the cast the producers must have sent out this casting call:
“Wanted: People who can say things.”
I’ve been to cold reads that had more personality than some of the scenes in this one. I’m thinking everyone wanted to remodel their kitchen or a free trip to Arizona or both. Now I can’t fault them. Anyone wants to send me to the old AZ for free I am there. I’ll even appear in Wyatt Earp 2: The Legend of the Hooded Angels if I get a free trip to Arizona. I love that place. I need the desert. I need the warm, dry air. I need those sunsets. I also need to payoff several drinks worth of kindness to my friend Kyle so I get it. But damn people, you’re actors. So fucking act. I know Tom Sizemore has done a lot of drugs and now I know this is probably when he started. You could say they were wooden but I saw Lord of the Rings 2 and those Ents were yelling and throwing rocks and shit so I know everyone involved could have done better or at least yelled and thrown a rock or some shit.
The only person who gave any kind of shit, aside from Gene Hackman who gave a little shit, but the biggest pile of shit given was by far given by one Dennis Quaid in a stunning turn as the awesomely cantankerous Doc Holliday. And he even looks like the guy! See!
(Real Doc Holliday)
(Fake but still fucking amazing Doc Holliday!)
He looks outstanding! Kevin Costner just looked like that asshole from Waterworld in a cowboy hat. In all seriousness, Quaid’s performance was the stuff of thespian legend. It was a poignant powerhouse that left the rest of the film stewing in the outhouse. He lost more than 30 pounds to come off all sickly for goodness sake! He tuburculosified himself so that anyone sitting through this movie would be able to think “yeeesh, I guess it could always be worse” so just look at this pic while you sit there not coughing up your lungs. It’s all you need to know about Wyatt Earp in one screen cap.
There’s Dennis hoping craft services has more whiskey, Sizemore realizing that yes this is where his career starts to die and Costner breathing. Forget any sort of 20th anniversary special edition Blu-ray of this thing next year if Warner Bros. was smart they’d just release a Doc only version and maybe make some of their money back. Funny side note: Dennis Quaid went on to play Bill Clinton in a TV movie.
It’s not so weird once you think about the fact that he’d already been in Wyatt Earp which sucked in the wrong way 
So dig up his scenes somewhere and enjoy them. Bury the rest and move on to enjoy the two hours and forty five minutes more of your life than I now have. This film along with The Postman and the aforementioned Waterworld round out Costner’s “Roughly Eight Hours That Will Shit On Your Soul Trilogy”. Did I enjoy this movie? Let’s just say…
Yeah, Wyatt Earp earns 1 round and I probably can’t even be bothered to chamber it. Dennis Quaid however gets 5 rounds. Well damn done sir, I raise a glass tonight to you and to that original damned dicer. May we all be brave or foolish enough to face the life we have left with as much humor and testicular fortitude as you good sirs.
And best to you all as well amigos, ride true till next we meet.
Haikuesday
May 14th
Western Watchins Week 25
May 8th
While a legend may never die the facts surrounding his mortal coil leaving this plane of existence are apparently fair game. I bring you Wild Bill this week. If you looked at the cast, costumes and convincing locales of this one you’d think you were in for a pretty swell ride except that the ride turns out to be a Gravitron you’re stuck inside and you, and everyone else spinning with you, is dealing with violently explosive diarrhea This movie seemed to be set up Tee Ball style yet director/screenwriter Walter Hill couldn’t manage to even nudge the damn thing. An he’s good what with The Warriors and Last Man Standing and all which makes this debacle sting that much more. Look at this picture of the man himself taken right after he’d seen this movie!
He’s just so sad. Like “I got shot for this?” kind of sad. And it’s not Jeff Bridge’s fault. He looked simply awesome as Mr. Hickock and mustered every sort of orneriness in spades to deliver what I feel is one of the best Bill’s ever seen and that’s saying a lot with the likes of Charles Bronson, Sam Elliot and Keith Carradine in that mix as well. Carradine was in this movie too but as the much prettier Buffalo Bill Cody. But back to Wild Bill. Here he is glaring to the left!
And to the right!
Oh no, you’re not gonna sneak up on this son-of-a-bitch! They even got his ridiculously large hat right. That hat is so imposing it’s my firm belief that perhaps the hat did all of Bill’s bona fide killing over the years and Bill was just along for the ride. Bill and his mighty hat have all all the ferocity and intimidation of Master Blaster minus any midgets and retards! I always wanted to do that costume at a con but I’ve never been able to snipe an old Cabbage Patch Doll on eBay to wear on my head.
But speaking of “wanting to do”: Ellen Barkin! Man back in the day I had quite a crush on her mainly due to her portrayal as a slightly drunk heroine in distress that almost gets monster molested in Buckaroo Banzai. But enough about me masturbating, here she is as Calamity Jane:
I bet you didn’t even notice her in the two pictures above this one because of how goddamn impressive that hat is! So another shot of Ellen was in order. I know she’s way too pretty to accurately portray Jane but no one really wants to see an accurate portrayal as Jane had what I like to call “taint face”. As in I taint gonna put my dick in that, ever. Even the chick from Deadwood as roughed up as she was didn’t skirt the taint territory. So blame how shallow we all are as a society for the fact no one’s ever cast a vomit inducing visage to give the old girl her due.
This oversight I can forgive. Many of the other historical gaffes I just can’t. I am by no means an expert on the history of my beloved Wild West and admittedly much of my knowledge is probably adulterated to a great degree by the myriad movies, TV shows and games I’ve played regarding the subject matter. That said, I do know a few uncontested facts about Wild Bill Hickock. Did he have himself tied to a chair when he had a showdown with a cripple?
Hell if I know! But I do know he wasn’t held captive by a gang of assassins hired by Jack McCall (this happened in the movie!), that, until the day he was fatally shot, he never sat with his back to a door (this happened a few times in the movie!) and that Charlie Utter was his buddy so he should have been in the damn film (I just said Charlie wasn’t in the movie!)
Now conjecture as to whether or not he and Calamity ever hooked up or as to exactly why McCall shot him is still ongoing but some things are indisputable. Besides the wacky and poorly presented “dream” sequences that came and went with all the gravitas of a fart on a brisk Spring day these few terribly obfuscated facts really put me off of the movie as a whole. Might as well have replaced the aces and eights in his hand with some buffalo chips.
It’s upsetting to say the least. So much so that mere moments after this picture was taken Keith Carradine and Timothy Olyphant took to shooting every copy of the movie they could find.
Did that really happen? Well, I can tell you this: if you search “Wild Bill sex scene” this picture comes up for reasons only some Commie Google programmer knows!
What I’m trying to say is that historical accuracy is a rare find in Hollywood-land and I’m okay with that. I’m fine with breezing over some things or bending others a bit in the name of entertainment but have at least a few cornerstones upon which to build a solid story. A few immutable milestones along the path of whoever’s story you’re telling. Flesh it all out with too much slow-motion or perfect if probably never said one liners but when you lose your validity in a biopic you lose me as well and any shits I had to send your way.
Pretty sad, huh Dude?
Oh I wanted this to be good, to be worthy of the true legend that is Wild Bill Hickock yet, much like the movie’s solitary sex scene, it was altogether brief, awkward and ultimately unsatisfying. 2 rounds for Wild Bill. It seemed to have some big ambitions but then immediately forgot what they were then just made up some scenes as it went along and left Bill glancing left and right and angrily at it all.
I think what Jeff Bridges is trying to tell us here is that rubbing your balls on a cactus would feel better than sitting through this movie. With a heavy heart I must agree.
Till next time amigos.
