Tentacle Chris
Blog About Nothing!
Wombining
Aug 24th
Word combining. Wombining. Like thinking “that’s a wild hairstyle” but saying “wairstyle” instead. Or calling a heavy box a “hox”. It’s something I do all the time. Other people have even gotten in on my schtick like the manufacturers of fine goggles for dogs called “doggles”.
Today I threw away my empty package of tuna into the garbage where it landed on the rind of a certain yellow and phallic fruit. And made me laugh. Because I wombine. And thinking about what a tu-nana might look like in the wild is just funny.
Roar!
Aug 23rd
What other time of year could you get away with saying you’re swimming in pink satin, old leather, sparkly craft foam, gorilla glue and olive drab BDU pants? Why DragonCon crunch time of course! All the while operating on a few calories, restricted carbs and disturbed sleep each and every day.
It all starts to shake like a shuttle during re-entry at this point and lapses in focus and judgement abound…as in I typed and then looked back at my first sentence which read in part “old laethr and sparkly cfart foam”!
Cfart foam!
Man, I remember it being worth it all once Dragon gets here and it truly is every year but every year it’s a real test. A hellish, hulkish test that you know is coming but hits you with a sucker punch all the same.
Here’s to the seamstresses, tailors, fabricators and each and every person grinding it out these last days on their way to glory in Atlanta.
If this made no sense I blame the turkey sausage and protein shakes.
Truly Outrageous
Aug 18th
I have dilly-dallied for far too long in my oft stated desire to learn how to sew. I can manage stitching webbing together, mending holes, or making baggy pants but that’s about it.
And I’ve had a sewing machine for years.
How many I don’t want to say because it’s embarrassing and I really can’t remember but my poor machine has collected more dust motes than it has hours of use. Sad, sad, sad.
But no longer! I have a task in front of me from my partner in all things amazing (that’s Angie if you’re new to all this) and that is to fabricate a Jem dress for her to wear proudly at DragonCon. I say ‘proudly’ because we take our costuming seriously. We believe in a “do it right or just don’t do it” credo.
So this simple pink 80’s style wrap dress needs to be perfect. Along with that wacky belt she sports. And those techo-magical earring things too.
Wish me luck folks. I dust off the promises, plug in the machine and nut up or shut up tonight!
Blasphemous Rumors
Aug 13th
What am I doing right now? Being creative. Found a new outlet, a new inspiration, a new muse if you will. What is it? What is happening at this very moment you ask? What could it be that’s awakening such excited elucidation? Well…that’s one secret I’ll never tell.
XOXO,
Gossip Guy 
In all truth I can’t tell you. If you know me you know I’ll share just about anything and everything and I’ll do so here as well now that I’m tapped in and riding this cyber wave of information sharing called the blogosphere. So weird and so lame sometimes. Blogging. I was discussing this with a co-worker at lunch. No matter how mundane your blog is i.e. “my dog pooped today!” or “hey, I made egg drop soup” or “man, isn’t Brad Pitt awesome?” or “hey…I pooped today”, no matter the content you are infinitely interesting to someone out there. Your life is more interesting, complex or fun filled than that person and they crave your daily tidbits.
And honestly that’s sad.
Now don’t get me wrong. I want you to read this blog. You my friend are getting in on the ground floor of what is certain to be something very, very special. A once in a lifetime experience. I guarantee it. That’s in writing somewhere. Well, right here I guess. So I better deliver huh?
But no, I’m not gonna slip up and tell you what has me all riled up at the moment. Nope, that’s for me and mine and those with whom we choose to share.
Damn, that statement alone is total awesome-sauce. Of course that could be the vodka talking. But I doubt it. All alcohol does is drop the flood gates. You don’t do anything drunk you don’t really want to do anyway.
Think about that.
And think about this. I was saying some folks are reading this and it’s the highlight of their fucking day. Now like I said I do want you to read this and enjoy it and laugh or cry or go punch something as the feelings herein elicit but…big butt…like Jabba the Butt big…
Break…wave of thoughts here…the thing I can’t tell you about…man…I can’t even describe the levels of WTF I’m experiencing here…I had to stop texting to write this very line…how’s that for being right inside the thought process of one Tentacle Chris?
Now…back to the “but”. Look, enjoy this yes. I’m sharing all this, my experiences, my thoughts, my angers and joys because I want to but I have all these things to share because I am living.
What?
Not just breathing and getting up and going to a cubicle and working out and eating and then sleeping but all that important stuff in between…I’m living. Maybe for the first time in my entire life.
Did you know I was engaged to a girl before Angie? Dated her for seven years and then said “STOP!” with the wedding invitations in the mail. I couldn’t do it. I knew deep down in my soul it wasn’t right and that I’d exist with this person but never truly live. Yeah, I was a real schmuck to drag it out that long. I sucked no doubt. But in the end waiting that long and taking the path I took led me into Angie’s arms…and a truly amazing existence.
Now don’t get me wrong, those first few years were rough. Real rough. Like a sandpaper hand job rough. But we made it. Past where many marriages disintegrate into divorce or worse into a relationship devoid of any love whatsoever. But we made it. And we grew and matured and evolved and let the chips fall where they may (thanks Tyler) And that’s where I am right now. At the precipice of a great emotional and creative wave ready to crash down into pop culture and the lives of all those around us.
We are a force to be reckoned with. A fucking force of nature. Shit, maybe we can’t even control it but control isn’t always a good thing. Let go man…just…let…go (thanks again Tyler)
See, if you’re reading this and freaking out or trying to figure out what has me so freaking freaked then dammit man, or dammit woman, stop worrying about me or wishing you felt this way and just go live. Really live. Take a risk, do something that scares the shit out of you, talk to that person you never thought you would. Life is a fucking blink. And then it’s gone.
Do
Not
Wait
for things to be perfect. They never will be. That’s life. Go grab it. Feel like I do right now. And be one of the few who ever stops being scared and
just
starts
living.
Talk with you soon
(and you better have some of your own stories to tell!),
TC
Free Running
Aug 12th
I’m a nerd. If you’re reading this you probably are too. Perhaps I met some of you at GEN CON last weekend in Indianapolis. You might have seen me helping out the Mint Chocolate Chippies or the Cosplay Deviants. You might have seen me half naked on Saturday night (no small feat as 50% nudity is rather tame for me at a con, or home, or anywhere really) but what no one saw, that I’m aware of at least, were some of the best moments I spent in that far off and beautiful city.
DragonCon is currently three weeks away and as such my Spartan training is in its final and most furious stages. Ergo, twice a day workouts were managed along with all the other con activities. I like to run and the mornings in Indy were most welcoming considering I’m used to hitting the bricks in sunny, oppressively hot, Orlando. I’m not complaining, I do enjoy running. I enjoyed even more the ability to run up the broken escalators or even *gasp* a stair case past throngs of groaning and grunting fatties many of whom seemed destined to spend forever on the bottom floor of the convention space due to the fact twenty vertical steps stood between them and freedom.
And that brings me to my point.
We are all free to live pretty much as we like here in America. You can choose to be a fatty or you can choose to be fit and in the end that’s entirely up to you. You can be a doctor or a cab driver if you want. You can play Halo or Gears of War (though if you play Halo over Gears you are lame) And see, I’m free to say that. But how often do we stop to think, I mean think hard, about all that has gone into that freedom we all enjoy.
I was thankful enough to be led on my Saturday morning run to the Indiana War Memorial Plaza and its looming centerpiece, a grand monument designed to stand as a perhaps not so gentle reminder of the greatness of this country and her patriots. I’m not going to mince words or try to drag this out in an attempt to properly elocute the exact feelings I was going through during my time there shedding some tears and sweat on the stones at my feet because in all truth I’m not that competent of a writer. And even the best I would think might have trouble doing so. You had to be there. You have to feel as I do as so many do or passing by the memorial as I did would be just that, a passing moment no more important than the last. What I felt there was something I’ll remember the rest of my life.
I had my iPod on and the suite from Gears of War 2 playing on a loop. It’s all martial and reverent and moving and ended up being the perfect soundtrack as I climbed the Southern staircase in the shadow of a statue of a soldier draped in the flag standing with his hand outstretched towards the sky. This got me misty. The music and the majesty of it all. I moved on to the top floor while composing myself and made my way around to the North side where I descended the stairs to find the following inscribed along the entire length of the base. Giant letters with an even bigger meaning.
“To commemorate the valor and sacrifice of the land, sea and air forces of the United States and all who rendered faithful and loyal service at home and overseas in the World War; to inculcate a true understanding and appreciation of the privileges of American citizenship; to inspire patriotism and respect for the laws to the end that peace may prevail, justice be administered, public order maintained and liberty perpetuated.”
All sense of composure just went out the window at that point. I was overwhelmed with pride in my country, with anger at those who take advantage of her and with thankfulness for those who gave everything without looking back. I stood there for as long as it took me to memorize as much as I could of the text. Then I felt I had to do something right then, right there. So I climbed back up to the uppermost level and made my way around stopping at the center of each wall, one in each of the cardinal directions and ground out 36 push ups. One push for every year I’ve lived free. Wow right, I can do a lot of push ups.
Man, you’re missing the point.
I’ve never served in the armed forces and have barely had to sacrifice anything in my life. A couple push ups was just a small show of gratitude to all those who gave infinitely more and to all who continue to do so. It was nothing more than a humble ‘thanks’ and a way to silently say to Lady Liberty ‘I’m with you, I believe in you, in all that your freedom truly means.’
When I ran back to my hotel and got ready for the day ahead I did so with a renewed sense of all that I’ve been given and all that I am blessed to enjoy. I’ll post more in the coming days about GENCON and I still have to recap/reminisce about Cancun as well before I talk about all the other things on my mind but for now I needed to say this.
And I hope you all heard it loud and clear. Talk to you soon.
TC
Hear me talk…I know, weird right?
Jul 7th
I’ll be on the Anime Addicts Anonymous Podcast tomorrow discussing naughty things. Like Prime on Magnus fan fics.
A Simple Joy
Jul 3rd
When you get into a game that everyone else has been playing forever. That is a simple joy. All your friends are already bitter and no longer impressed by much of what you’re taking in with child like wonder for the very first time. Sure you missed out being in on the ground floor but that affords a little bonus of it’s own if you care to embrace it. You can just not care about playing that well and focus on the reason games were invented in the first place…to have some fun.
Unless you’re playing Mexican Death Ball in Chichen Itza. There winning means you die. Death Ball aside if you can relax and just let go you can have a great time getting killed 8 times in a row by that guy who’s working on his 3rd or 4th prestige. Shit I’m really not sure what prestigeing is or if “prestiging” is even a word but it was fun.
This all started because one of my die hard gaming pals always cried big sad tears full of Semtex because all I ever played was Gears of War and not Modern Warfare 2. GoW was enough for me. Gears and Zuma. I didn’t own MW2 and didn’t really want to allocate funds for that spevific cause. Enter my teary eyed friend who in an act of kindness, and also somehow selfishness, sent me a copy so we could waste hour upon hour yelling “surprise cock fag” before shooting terrorists (the Islamic kind not the Cobra kind)
I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy the escapism of gaming and generally prefer my fare to be pretty far from reality. MW2 is almost too realistic with it’s large array of customizable real world weaponry, angry real world factions and cacophonous to the point of utter confusion combat. It’s overwhelming and unlike Gears you actually beef up your character the more you play so when a level 50 rolls onto the field he can kill you with a smile from 250 yards while you and your slingshot need to get considerably closer, and luckier, to have any chance to off him. That’s one draw back IMO to starting late. I’m a noob and a greatly underpowered one at that. GoW you win or loose based on how well you play the game. It’s stock car racing. The Xbox equivalent of NASCAR. Except for the “NASCAR 2020″ which is also sort of equivalent. The longer you play MW2 the more easy it becomes to kick ass with all the modifiers and multipliers you’ll have at your disposal.
You could easily draw down and curl up in a private game of UNO at this point. But you’d be missing the point. Sure I sucked. Ican’t dominate like I’m used too and I’m all thumbs right now with the multitudinous controls. But…were I never to improve one lick from where I am now I really wouldn’t care. Really. I’m at a point in my life where I play because I enjoy the camaraderie and the laughs and terribly inappropriate conversations I share with friends many of which I only see once a year if even that. Sure, there are tons of dicks to meet in any online incarnation of any game but life isn’t about avoiding dicks. It’s about dealing with the ones you do run into every now and again. Doing so with friends at your side makes that more manageable. Doing that with a .50 cal sniper rifle in your hands makes it downright ecstasy.
So go play. Something new or old or a favorite or one you never thought you’d like but it’s on sale so you just have to try it right? But just play. We all work and worry and stress and strain about the shitty sit rep of the world and the current shape of the hand basket we’re all riding in towards I don’t even know where anymore. So take an hour or two or play all night fueled by vodka, coffee and protein shakes but play! For the trash talk, the head shots and all those OMG moments just waiting for you.
And Gilmore…thanks man.
The Sleeper has awakened!
Jun 22nd
A beginning is a very delicate time. Know then that it is the year two thousand and ten. The known universe will most likely die of shock when it finds out that I’m actually starting a blog. To say I thought long and hard about what to write my first time out of the gate would be, well, a lie. Honestly since the net’s been around for what seems like forever now there’s really nothing I could do or say here that could possibly live up to all you’re going to expect. So really I’m pissed at you for expecting so damn much!
I’m kidding, of course, that’s me the kidder. If you already know me then you already knew that. If not just take most everything I say with a grain of salt. Most of it’s true, some of it’s exaggerated, parts are remembered incorrectly but it’s all funny.
No, I don’t have an off switch.
But that’s why you’ll like me. So hold on tight (real tight if you’re a hot girl or Reuben Langdon) ’cause who knows what’s around my crazy life’s next corner? Shit, I don’t have a clue. But that’s the fun of it all. And this here is gonna be the record of it all. The spice must flow baby, and it will
