So hockey’s been back for a week and honestly most people haven’t noticed. I love hockey and I still don’t watch too much of it until playoff time when the best team to ever play the game, the San Jose Sharks, inevitably show they have no idea how to actually win a cup. This year come June I’m only going to drink out of one of these and hopefully that’ll do the trick.

Hockey is awesome. It was invented by a some guy who was about to commit suicide over, football, baseball and basketball until he realized sports can be wonderful as long as they’re not football, baseball or basketball. Cmon, football stops the action every four seconds, baseball has no action and basketball just sucks. I watch hockey and I play hockey. It gives me warm fuzzies inside. Usually when the puck hits me in the face or balls. It’s brutal and beautiful. There are few more glorious sporting sights than two sweater clad teams of talented and tenacious competitors going at it. It’s hard enough to move a puck on the end of a stick without being on skates…but try doing it on skates! Try skating for that matter. Powerful and graceful once mastered, when a master you are not the special Olympics won’t even take you. Other than rowing, no other sport mixes the very heights of athletic precision and brute strength to such a delightful degree. And you can fight too!


Aww that’s awesome! That guy on the left actually had a mustache until the guy on the right knocked it right the fuck off his face! Call me barbaric but even babies love fighting. And how much better would life in general be if you and whoever you had a problem with could just go toe to toe for a few minutes and then move on? How much better? This much better!

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See, easily several hundred thousand percent better according to the facts I just made up and graphed for you. Lack of scientific studies aside you know I’m right. No one stands up for anything, and then backs it up with action, anymore. A few months ago I left a message board I was a founding member of and long time/top numerical contributor and cut a huge swath of now former friends out of my life on based on the fact I was standing up for something I believed in. I might talk some shit but I’ll back it up with my actions. A hockey fight happens for the same reason. And whether you win or lose you stuck true to who you are. Fuck everybody else you win!

Unless it’s the playoffs and you’re the sharks. Don’t catch my meaning? How can I explain this…okay, here’s the sharks during the regular season:


And here they are in the playoffs:


But this is our year!

I’m calling it right now!

Our year to maybe almost get close to possibly not winning the Stanley Cup! You heard it here first.

Also, why does hockey have cheerleaders? Yeah, she’s smokin’ in a bikini but does she not know what ice is? You’re not going to build a human pyramid or do a backflip on it. And at least wear a hat like this. I’m all for what amounts to strippers at my hockey game but theme baby theme. And then come over to my place after the game. We can grab a bottle of vodka, discuss other costume choices and then see just how flexible you are.

Did I mention how great hockey is?