Aw this poster for The Gundown is cool! That guy’s nuts are totally letting us have it with the title and four people who are in it for varying lengths of time! Like Peter Coyote who borrowed a page from Kris Kristofferson and Clancy Brown in terms of how to appear in direct to video fare. Sure he lends a little star power but the rest of the cast, seemingly perennial D-listers, kept my interest for the full ninety seven minutes whether he was around or not.

Well maybe except for that last scene.

Westerns are good for riding off into the sunset at the end. Most times you don’t need that plus a timeskip just to show us that yes indeedy everyone is just fine and teaching school and no longer a whore but still pregnant. They had me up until then.

In fact many of the scenes were passably epic with rugged sets, great costuming and outstanding musical accompaniment. Unfortunately a few glaring plot holes and some phoned in performances sullied my taste for this one. Now don’t get me wrong, I did like The Gundown but the fact I’ve grown accepting and appreciative of single moments in a film sometimes over the entirety of a picture certainly helped with that. And I like guns and prostitutes and this of course had lots of both.

Actually any Western that doesn’t have at least a few prostitutes in it really shouldn’t call itself a Western at all. Prostitutes were everywhere back then. The original settlers used prostitutes as money as it was often said “don’t head in to town without a few prostitutes in your pocket!” They were an industrious people. Prostitutes built saloons, livery stables, telegraph offices, the St. Louis Arch and all the railroads. All of them! They also invented flight earlier than the Wrights but nobody believed them because they were, well, prostitutes. Can you believe that? And after all the work they did on the railroads! All of this is true. Isn’t it? Who’s gonna argue flying prostitutes? Not me! So let’s just consider all this fact or at least fact-ishly good enough.

Also good enough for me was how much of one Veronica Milagros I had to take in during this flick. Some of her credits include, Nip/Tuck, Torchwood and my nightmares. I don’t think I need to see here again anytime soon. Her character, Dulce de la Rosa, was pretty cool and fairly fleshed out but damn it if her lips didn’t obfuscate anything else going on in every scene even if she wasn’t talking. There’s a respectable amount of flattering pics of here floating around the net but I guess blame her stylist because most of the time in The Gundown she looked like this.

 

Yes, it’s Man-gelina Jolie. Even with her sultry walk and rather ample breasts forced heavenward by a bustier I was still waiting for her to get her dick out a beat some guy to death with it. I worked at it, I did, I wanted her to be so hot but the only vibe I kept getting from her was “Chupacabra with boobs”. She’s a bad guy by the way and hangs with this other crazy and lead bad guy who was intimidating but sadly wasted. I should write a movie for him and Randy Travis. Here he is standing around intimidating some trees I think.

 

Wait, that could be my friend Brandon but I’m fairly certain it’s not. Poop, if that was him that would have meant he was in Showgirls and I could have asked him what Elizabeth Berkley smelled like. Man, missed opportunities.

A lot of The Gundown was missed opportunities. This campfire ambush scene sticks out chief amongst them. For every classically gritty one liner there was one that sounded terribly anachronistic. There was character development and then revocation of that same development and then outright stagnation. And I just really wasn’t happy with the way some of the leads met their maker at the conclusion. But then like I already alluded too the costumes were top notch for everyone and the score made me want to go shoot some rustlers or at least play Red Dead naked and half drunk as soon as it was over. Plus there was a hooker with a heart of gold and normal sized lips so c’mon…hooker!

On that note I’ll happily place 3 rounds in the chamber this week. The Gundown was one part outstanding mixed to an equal part of barely tolerable. Twas like a quilt made of spun gold and farts. Wrap yourself up in that one and understand that while it’s worth a watch you’ll still probably be thinking “what’s that smell?’ by the end of it all. Pee-yooo! I reckon it’s time to heat up that whore’s bath and then google the nearest railroad crossing to find a whore to go in it. Adios.