There are three movies on Netflix currently starring Allan “Rocky/Red Ryder/Mr. Ed” Lane so you can tell where this is headed right? I had another fifty or so minutes to spare again this week and let’s say right off the bat this boy and his punching show no signs whatsoever of stopping. So I watched. Then I searched. For “Carson City Bandits”. And I found absolutely nothing. Zip, nada, donkey shit from a shitless donkey (somehow). Why? Because that movie does not exist. I was tired and at work and at work I don’t care so my mind wanders and I make stuff up to amuse myself and confuse myself. I did find this picture on my misdirected search though.

Feel free to insert your own cock…joke here. Hahahahaha! But seriously, that came up because the internet is nothing but dicks and tits and people arguing about politics so more dicks really. And robots and Amazon.com I guess. There are some other sites here and there but they all have dicks and tits if you look hard enough. Yes, I checked. I ran “dicks and tits” on Amazon to prove my point. Top three return in descending order? An album called “Choked in Anal Mange”, a mix of 10 erotic eBooks by various authors and “Laurel and Hardy: The Essential Collection”! Go ahead and doubt me, look for yourself and face the things that should not be! Thankfully I got my act together and remembered the title was Corpus Christi Bandits (though Rocky did make Carson City Raiders) and gleefully returned to the internet for pictorial redemption only to confirm the fact that not many these days seem to care about Westerns in general much less one from 1945. So I found like two goddamn pictures. I know I should get some fancy screen grabbing program or another but first I’d need a Kickstarter to raise money to help me underfuckingstand computers in general!  Arg, ugh and hmmph, even though I was raised from the dawn of the PC I know more about the life cycle of the Andalusian Fart Finch than I do PCs. And a Fart Finch might not even exist though I pray to God it does! But here’s Rocky Lane’s house anyway:

Looks a little modern I know. And more specifically it’s his mom and dad’s house. And he’s in the military. During World War II. It took about ten minutes before the story-time flashback started and I spent most of that trying to justify the fact that the Netflix synopsis had said something about a Civil War vet’s past catching up with him and this takes place in the 1940s. Rocky’s dad didn’t look a hundred years old and shit…wait, he’s not. He’s gonna tell his oops-baby of a daughter the tale of “Corpus Christi Jim”, a long gone relative with a lively tale to tell. One filled with punching, bandit-ing, intrigue, punching, redemption, punching and also this poor dead bastard who would you believe died from a gunshot and not punching.

Maybe I shouldn’t have blown my show and tell kinda load just yet but I only had two specific pics to use so what the hell. You don’t read this for pics right? You read this for words like “poop” and “fart finch”. And other words I reckon that actually review something like Corpus Christi BanditsWhich is another rambunctious offering from the now defunct Republic Pictures.

It’s formulaic but despite the “rinse and repeat” style I found this one just about as enjoyable as last week’s Black Hills Ambush. I think the pacing ran through those hills a bit better and overall that one was a more cohesive and concise bit of storytelling but C.C.B. has one fight scene in it that rivals the time Keith David and Roddy Piper kicked the shit out of each other for five minutes in They Live and the start of that fight is hands down one of my favorite movie moments ever. Watch as bar owner and general douche-bag Wade Larkin acts scandalized then gets vandalized! 

And he deserves it, he deserves everything he gets in this movie from his face full of fists to his ass filled with whoop. Little life lessons are what these old, seemingly schlocky flicks excel at teaching to the discerning eye. There had conflicts and resolutions the likes of which we don’t see too much in these PC smothered days of must be government approved fuckery. Be nice, play nice and bend over backwards to make the guy fucking you have an easier job at it did not exist back when our streets were mostly dirt and a man knew how to build himself a house instead of having Jimmy Carter do it (and on my goddamn dime!)

See, these past two weeks I’ve been taking in films produced in an era when we were proud. On the up and up, saving the world shamelessly and acting like the a country that had guts with big balls hanging off those guts. We were folks that told it like it was whether home or abroad and art imitates life so as much fun as these movies are for me they make me hurt inside too. And Corpus Christi Bandits goes the extra mile as the movie’s first bookend set in WWII and the last one that flashed back to the same time period managed to reflect the attitudes, hopes and aspirations of our Nation in a very unassuming and honest manner.

And they landed with all the delicacy of a slap to my face. I laughed at the end of this film but then I thought about the road we’re on…

I don’t know if we can turn all this nowadays shit around but movies like Corpus Christi Bandits give me the hope, me the pessimist’s pessimist, that we have it in our DNA and better yet, our souls, to do so. And I’m not talking all Judeo-Christian beliefs here. It’s much more simple than that. It’s I live my life and you live yours. And we’re thankful. And we smoke what we want and screw who we want and go where we want and all when we want to do it. 3 rounds in the cylinder this week with a little extra powder in each as thanks for the reminder. The reminder that back in the day, for better or worse, you chose your own path, were appreciative of veterans, punched an asshole because he was an asshole that needed punchin’ and you made a little more out of yourself each day you were blessed to wake up and draw breath. I think tomorrow, despite our current collective distress, I’ll roll out of bed and do just that amigos. I’ll ride and a little bit truer than I did today.