Archive for December, 2012

Week Four of the Great Western Watch-a-Thon

Dammit Randy Travis c’mon! I know some Western you’re in has to be good and utilize your manly baritone and Amish Punisher good looks with some degree of competence. The Long Ride Home does not do this. Not at all. It barely fills the space between the opening credits and the closing credits with anything more than hearty helpings of both “what” and “the fuck?” I don’t even know where to start which is horrible because I desperately want this review to end so let’s do this.

Okay, Mr. Travis plays Jack Fowler or Jack Holt depending on the scene and who he’s talking too or if it’s a flashback or the script editor just screwed up. Which I have to believe they did. A lot. He’s a man wronged or something and never wanted to shoot sanyone but they provoked him I think and then he turned black and white and then it all got really confusing. This is seriously almost a play by play of the first twenty five minutes. But let’s not forget the two sub-plots that are soon to converge with the “main” plot those being some emo gunslinger wanna-be who is obsessed with having a cool name (not kidding) and the Ernest Borgnine Vendetta Ride (also not kidding but kind of awesome). So yes the producer of the film had his wife, the writer, work him in as the lead bad guy who’s about as fear inducing as jock itch. He can’t act either which makes the scenes with his wife, the writer and also lead female of the film extra extra special. Special like finding out you have chlamydia on your wedding day special. The only thing worse than her acting is her writing. Which just feeds her horrible acting. It’s a downward spiral of nightmarish proportions.

Now, one of the only things saving this film is Ernest Borgnine. Not saving it like making it watchable but “saving” as in after any of his non-intentionally comedic scenes you don’t feel like killing yourself as much as you do at any other point during this movie. He’s out to right a wrong which curiously is not the fact this film was ever produced. He and his two sons ride around working their way through rations of jerky and one liners with equal aplomb. He says such memorable things as “sit down boy” and “ahhhhhhhhh”. Have I told you how bad the writing is yet? It’s bad. In fact I know that Mr. Borgnine didn’t die until July of this year but I can make a compelling argument that this movie from 2003 is what actually killed him. On a lighter note Eric Roberts is in it too but if you stared at the poster up top for any length of time then you saw more of him there than you would if you actually watched this movie. There’s also a kid in it. See, here’s Randy telling him about gladiator movies.

I’m going to need bed rest sans inquisitive child if my cowboy marathon here get’s any worse. It can’t right? Each week has gotten worse since I started this so I’m guess I’m actually pretty excited. No where to go but up at this point. One round in the chamber for The Long Ride Home and that one might even be a dud. It was baaaaaaad. I was missing Bill Paxton’s ass ten minutes into this thing. Here’s a visual to wrap up…I started like this:


But ended like this:

I do believe crimes against my eyes and my ears and perhaps my very soul were all perpetrated with the utmost insensitivity by me seeing this. I may need to mount up and dish out some revenge. It’s just too bad Ernest is dead, it can get lonely out there on the trail you know.