Archive for January, 2013

Western Watchins Week 11

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Aw this poster for The Gundown is cool! That guy’s nuts are totally letting us have it with the title and four people who are in it for varying lengths of time! Like Peter Coyote who borrowed a page from Kris Kristofferson and Clancy Brown in terms of how to appear in direct to video fare. Sure he lends a little star power but the rest of the cast, seemingly perennial D-listers, kept my interest for the full ninety seven minutes whether he was around or not.

Well maybe except for that last scene.

Westerns are good for riding off into the sunset at the end. Most times you don’t need that plus a timeskip just to show us that yes indeedy everyone is just fine and teaching school and no longer a whore but still pregnant. They had me up until then.

In fact many of the scenes were passably epic with rugged sets, great costuming and outstanding musical accompaniment. Unfortunately a few glaring plot holes and some phoned in performances sullied my taste for this one. Now don’t get me wrong, I did like The Gundown but the fact I’ve grown accepting and appreciative of single moments in a film sometimes over the entirety of a picture certainly helped with that. And I like guns and prostitutes and this of course had lots of both.

Actually any Western that doesn’t have at least a few prostitutes in it really shouldn’t call itself a Western at all. Prostitutes were everywhere back then. The original settlers used prostitutes as money as it was often said “don’t head in to town without a few prostitutes in your pocket!” They were an industrious people. Prostitutes built saloons, livery stables, telegraph offices, the St. Louis Arch and all the railroads. All of them! They also invented flight earlier than the Wrights but nobody believed them because they were, well, prostitutes. Can you believe that? And after all the work they did on the railroads! All of this is true. Isn’t it? Who’s gonna argue flying prostitutes? Not me! So let’s just consider all this fact or at least fact-ishly good enough.

Also good enough for me was how much of one Veronica Milagros I had to take in during this flick. Some of her credits include, Nip/Tuck, Torchwood and my nightmares. I don’t think I need to see here again anytime soon. Her character, Dulce de la Rosa, was pretty cool and fairly fleshed out but damn it if her lips didn’t obfuscate anything else going on in every scene even if she wasn’t talking. There’s a respectable amount of flattering pics of here floating around the net but I guess blame her stylist because most of the time in The Gundown she looked like this.

 

Yes, it’s Man-gelina Jolie. Even with her sultry walk and rather ample breasts forced heavenward by a bustier I was still waiting for her to get her dick out a beat some guy to death with it. I worked at it, I did, I wanted her to be so hot but the only vibe I kept getting from her was “Chupacabra with boobs”. She’s a bad guy by the way and hangs with this other crazy and lead bad guy who was intimidating but sadly wasted. I should write a movie for him and Randy Travis. Here he is standing around intimidating some trees I think.

 

Wait, that could be my friend Brandon but I’m fairly certain it’s not. Poop, if that was him that would have meant he was in Showgirls and I could have asked him what Elizabeth Berkley smelled like. Man, missed opportunities.

A lot of The Gundown was missed opportunities. This campfire ambush scene sticks out chief amongst them. For every classically gritty one liner there was one that sounded terribly anachronistic. There was character development and then revocation of that same development and then outright stagnation. And I just really wasn’t happy with the way some of the leads met their maker at the conclusion. But then like I already alluded too the costumes were top notch for everyone and the score made me want to go shoot some rustlers or at least play Red Dead naked and half drunk as soon as it was over. Plus there was a hooker with a heart of gold and normal sized lips so c’mon…hooker!

On that note I’ll happily place 3 rounds in the chamber this week. The Gundown was one part outstanding mixed to an equal part of barely tolerable. Twas like a quilt made of spun gold and farts. Wrap yourself up in that one and understand that while it’s worth a watch you’ll still probably be thinking “what’s that smell?’ by the end of it all. Pee-yooo! I reckon it’s time to heat up that whore’s bath and then google the nearest railroad crossing to find a whore to go in it. Adios.

Rock-it, yea-yaah!

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Back in the backyard tonight. More weight. Felt heavy (no shit!) at first but I made it through five rounds of the following at a pretty good clip:

2 pullups +

4 pushups +

300 foot walk with 125 pounds (2×45 and 1×35) all gripped to my chest

Light work I know but this was a recovery night after two days of running and some sprints on tap for tomorrow. 5k at EPCOT in three weeks and then running spaces out a bit as all sorts of terrible cross-training ramps up to test me. First I need to make myself a concrete block (or tire!) that weighs about 200 pounds. I’ll take pics when I do.

Should be all dusty and bloody.

And remember, if you can’t carry a huge rock really far you’re probably just not Scottish 😉

Haikuesday

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Just before the dawn
Perfect darkness lights your way
Vice becomes virtue

And the Best Sport Ever is Back!

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So hockey’s been back for a week and honestly most people haven’t noticed. I love hockey and I still don’t watch too much of it until playoff time when the best team to ever play the game, the San Jose Sharks, inevitably show they have no idea how to actually win a cup. This year come June I’m only going to drink out of one of these and hopefully that’ll do the trick.

Hockey is awesome. It was invented by a some guy who was about to commit suicide over, football, baseball and basketball until he realized sports can be wonderful as long as they’re not football, baseball or basketball. Cmon, football stops the action every four seconds, baseball has no action and basketball just sucks. I watch hockey and I play hockey. It gives me warm fuzzies inside. Usually when the puck hits me in the face or balls. It’s brutal and beautiful. There are few more glorious sporting sights than two sweater clad teams of talented and tenacious competitors going at it. It’s hard enough to move a puck on the end of a stick without being on skates…but try doing it on skates! Try skating for that matter. Powerful and graceful once mastered, when a master you are not the special Olympics won’t even take you. Other than rowing, no other sport mixes the very heights of athletic precision and brute strength to such a delightful degree. And you can fight too!

 

Aww that’s awesome! That guy on the left actually had a mustache until the guy on the right knocked it right the fuck off his face! Call me barbaric but even babies love fighting. And how much better would life in general be if you and whoever you had a problem with could just go toe to toe for a few minutes and then move on? How much better? This much better!

 photo graph_zps2240644f.png

 

See, easily several hundred thousand percent better according to the facts I just made up and graphed for you. Lack of scientific studies aside you know I’m right. No one stands up for anything, and then backs it up with action, anymore. A few months ago I left a message board I was a founding member of and long time/top numerical contributor and cut a huge swath of now former friends out of my life on based on the fact I was standing up for something I believed in. I might talk some shit but I’ll back it up with my actions. A hockey fight happens for the same reason. And whether you win or lose you stuck true to who you are. Fuck everybody else you win!

Unless it’s the playoffs and you’re the sharks. Don’t catch my meaning? How can I explain this…okay, here’s the sharks during the regular season:

 

And here they are in the playoffs:

 

But this is our year!

I’m calling it right now!

Our year to maybe almost get close to possibly not winning the Stanley Cup! You heard it here first.

Also, why does hockey have cheerleaders? Yeah, she’s smokin’ in a bikini but does she not know what ice is? You’re not going to build a human pyramid or do a backflip on it. And at least wear a hat like this. I’m all for what amounts to strippers at my hockey game but theme baby theme. And then come over to my place after the game. We can grab a bottle of vodka, discuss other costume choices and then see just how flexible you are.

Did I mention how great hockey is?

Rock out…with your rock out!

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I went to the Central Florida Scottish Highland Games last weekend and noticed that they were offering an open competition called the Boulder Boogie. I do all kinds of weird things in my backyard anyway so training for this shouldn’t piss the neighbor’s dogs off anymore than the sled pulls, lunge ladders and bear crawls already do.

Personally I believe a lot of the time one set of dogs is just looking for a distraction from the perpetually annoyed woman they live with who yells at both them and her husband with equal enthusiasm. The only time my wife yells like that is during Lords of Acid/American Psycho inspired sex or at a Dethklok concert.

She is just awesome like that!

So now to make my life even more adventurously awesome I decided to boogie with that boulder when next we meet. So next January. So with almost a year of training in front of me I got started on it a few nights ago.

As many rounds as possible in 20 min of:

82# bag carry for 300′ +

10 sledge slams on the tractor tire +

5 pullups

Managed 8 full rounds. Much room for improvement. The next 12 months will see the weights go up and the time per round come down. Keeping my workouts fun/challenging/always FN different makes sure that I’ll do it.

I get bored so easily.

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