Posts tagged Elf on the Shelf

Go Back to Hell “Elf on the Shelf” Day 12!


Ackbar on the Backbar!


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You can’t handle death of this magnitude Elf! It’s not a trap or a joke or a threat, it’s a promise delivered by the galaxy’s greatest admiral/ambassador/cephalopod!

You’re balls will be ours Elf! Ours and whiskey’s forever!

To everyone else, Merry Christmas.

Go Back to Hell “Elf on the Shelf” Day 11!


Bear on a Chair!


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Aw look. It’s my teddy bear from when I was a kid. He was always there for me without being an intrusive piece of shit. And even though he has what you could argue are black soulless eyes one look into them will assure you he’s filled with nothing but kindness. Look into the Elf’s eyes and you’ll see the director’s cut of Event Horizon. So remember:

Bear on the Chair will love you forever.

Elf on the Shelf will rape your soul. Also forever.

Go Back to Hell “Elf on the Shelf” Day 10!


Soap on a Rope!


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You might think Wolverine wouldn’t need any help but did you see Origins? Plus soap-on-a-rope is so 70s old school amazing. It brings a modicum of distinguished class to this admittedly abrasive listing of elven alternatives. Time to scrub your bub once more with feeling.

And sexy cowboy themed bondage playtime.

And Brad Pitt.

What’s that you said Elf? You want me to hit you as hard as I can!

No problem Elf, no problem at all.

Go Back to Hell “Elf on the Shelf” Day 9!


Bub on the Tub!


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He’s the best there is at what he does and what he do (yes, DO!) is compliment your daily cleansing better than any pervo Elf ever has! You’ll stand proud in front of that little felty fucker and know, unlike the tortuous years you spent under the Elf’s twisted and dirty oppression, that your mind, body and soul have finally been cleansed now that Wolvie’s done washing, rinsing and repeating all over you! 

Go Back to Hell “Elf on the Shelf” Day 8!


Grizzlor on the Floor!

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All Grizzlor ever wanted to do was play in the Slime Pit but no, that shit’ll stick to Grizzlor! And to your cat and to your balls.

I cannot actually vouch for that. The cat I mean. That shit sticks to your balls like crazy!

Grizzlor remembers the way the Elf used to stare at him and laugh because he couldn’t play with the slime! So now Grizzlor is ready to beat him into a pulp. Because pulp not as Grizzlor and balls adhesive as slime! Then he’ll play with punished Elf pulp to his grizzly heart’s content.




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