Posts tagged Gears of War



The Retro Lancer
Get running and spear something
Guts wet down the blade



That ass Damon Baird,
From the goggles comes the truth,
So listen and learn.

It’s a Piece of Cake to Bake a Pretty Cake


Recipe for a Thanksgiving Weekend that will leave you longing for more:

Begin Wednesday night with Gears of War, throughout the night add as much Vodka as necessary and 2 to 3 microwave burritos when needed.

Begin Thursday morning with a physical challenge of some sort preceded by a light breakfast and a shot of Irish Whiskey. Immediately follow the workout with rough sex before showering and preparing for guests.

Cook and entertain.

Clean up all the crap from cooking and entertaining before going to visit old friends. Watch portions of “Mac and Me” and “ThanksKilling” before trying to find a restaurant that is 1) open and 2) selling something other than turkey and ham. Return back to your friend’s house with a DiGiorno’s pizza and another microwave burrito in hand but not before discussing life and your dreams with your normally emotionally reclusive friend.

Check out “Pranked” and random ghost shows your friend has DVRed before returning home to watch Scott Pilgrim till you collapse.

Friday do nothing but sit around and watch all the shows you haven’t had time to up till now. This includes several episodes of Fringe, ANTM, Stargate Universe and Gossip Girl. You are already caught up on Vampire Diaries because Damon Salvatore is too hard to resist.

Awake early on Saturday and drive due West through such charming little towns as Clermont, Mascotte and Mabel. Arrive at Weeki Wachee and bask in the glow from the only city of live mermaids.

Feed a peacock some of your cheeseburger.

Drive home and take a nap and then get up and go dancing. Said dancing should preferably be to 80’s music. If they throw in new Depeche Mode that is okay.

Don’t forget to pregame.

Buy two rounds at the club, slip out for a slice of pizza at Planet Pizza and then go dance a little while longer to work off the pizza and make room for Steak N Shake.

Drive to and eat at a Steak N Shake. Try their new peppermint milk shake and feel refreshed by the holiday calories.

Sleep at some point. At least for a bit. Then get up way to early and have sex. Then realize you are still pretty tired and the farmer’s market doesn’t even open up till noon so go back to sleep.

Get up and have more sex. Then go to the farmer’s market and buy peppermint and cinnamon honey. Buy palmetto honey too. A big damn jar.

Visit the Spiral Circle and stock up on incense. And get a message or two.

Go to Publix and shop for any groceries you might need.

Come home.

Do stuff.

Have sex again. Yes, for the third time.

Fall asleep and know that life is awesome and you have so very, very much to be thankful for.

A Simple Joy


When you get into a game that everyone else has been playing forever. That is a simple joy. All your friends are already bitter and no longer impressed by much of what you’re taking in with child like wonder for the very first time. Sure you missed out being in on the ground floor but that affords a little bonus of it’s own if you care to embrace it. You can just not care about playing that well and focus on the reason games were invented in the first place…to have some fun.

Unless you’re playing Mexican Death Ball in Chichen Itza. There winning means you die.  Death Ball aside if you can relax and just let go you can have a great time getting killed 8 times in a row by that guy who’s working  on his 3rd or 4th prestige. Shit I’m really not sure what prestigeing  is or if “prestiging” is even a word but it was fun.

This all started because one of my die hard gaming pals always cried big sad  tears full of Semtex because all I ever played was Gears of War and not Modern Warfare 2. GoW was enough for me. Gears and Zuma. I didn’t own MW2 and didn’t really want to allocate funds for that spevific cause. Enter my teary eyed friend who in an act of kindness, and also somehow selfishness, sent me a copy so we could waste hour upon hour yelling “surprise cock fag” before shooting terrorists (the Islamic kind not the Cobra kind)

I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy the escapism of gaming and generally prefer my fare to be pretty far from reality. MW2 is almost too realistic with it’s large array of customizable real world weaponry, angry real world factions and cacophonous to the point of utter confusion combat. It’s overwhelming and unlike Gears  you actually beef up your character the more you play so when a level 50 rolls onto the field he can kill you with a smile from 250 yards while you and your slingshot need to get considerably closer, and luckier, to have any chance to off him. That’s one draw back IMO to starting late. I’m a noob and a greatly underpowered one at that. GoW you win or loose based on how well you play the game. It’s stock car racing. The Xbox equivalent of NASCAR. Except for the “NASCAR 2020” which is also sort of equivalent. The longer you play MW2 the more easy it becomes to kick ass with all the modifiers and multipliers you’ll have at your disposal.

You could easily draw down and curl up in a private game of UNO at this point. But you’d be missing the point. Sure I sucked. Ican’t dominate like I’m used too and I’m all thumbs right now with the multitudinous controls. But…were I never to improve one lick from where I am now I really wouldn’t care. Really. I’m at a point in my life where I play because I enjoy the camaraderie and the laughs and terribly inappropriate conversations I share with friends many of which I only see once a year if even that. Sure, there are tons of dicks to meet in any online incarnation of any game but life isn’t about avoiding dicks. It’s about dealing with the ones you do run into every now and again. Doing so with friends at your side makes that more manageable. Doing that with a .50 cal sniper rifle in your hands makes it downright ecstasy.

So go play. Something new or old or a favorite or one you never thought you’d like but it’s on sale so you just have to try it right? But just play. We all work and worry and stress and strain about the shitty sit rep of the world and the current shape of the hand basket we’re all riding in towards I don’t even know where anymore. So take an hour or two or play all night fueled by vodka, coffee and protein shakes but play! For the trash talk, the head shots and all those OMG moments just waiting for you.

And Gilmore…thanks man.

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